Small Talk #7 - Friendship

There’s an energy that flows among us, as powerful as sunlight, as common as water, and when we are touched by this energy, we awaken our will to be. It is limitless, free, invisible, immutable. Right now you can draw this energy from someone near you, and you can pass it to another. This energy is, of course, friendship.

This week I heard from an old friend. It had been five years since we last talked, but that hour on the phone seemed as if no time had passed. I think we all know how that is. But I’m not sure we all appreciate it as much as we should—the vital energy of friendship. So let’s lean against the fencepost together and have a little small talk about friends.

The Mysteries of Friendship

Now here’s a question: How old do you think friendship is? The practice of forming a bond with another human—showing empathy, cooperation, respect—it had to start at some point. Well, there is a prevailing theory that H. Sapiens first developed friendliness as a trait during the Pleistocene, about 80,000 years ago. Anthropologists refer to this process as ‘self-domestication,’ a term that seems ripe for corny jokes about husbands, but anyway. To understand the theory, it helps to look at the famous research of the Russian geneticist Dmitry Belyaev. Starting in the 1950s, he bred wild silver foxes, selecting only for a fox’s willingness to approach a human hand—a trait that marked domestication. After many generations, Belyaev had a bunch of friendly foxes—not only did they prefer human companionship, they also showed a capacity to read human expressions and gestures. But here’s the fascinating part: These foxes also changed in appearance—specifically, many had floppy ears, curly tails, and flatter faces. As the foxes became more friendly, they also acquired traits we see in domesticated dogs.

So, back to the theory of self-domestication among humans. Researchers observed that human skulls from around 80,000 years ago began to change in appearance, becoming more like what’s typical today. These skulls had decreased brow ridges, shorter faces, and ‘balloon-like skulls.’ (Not sure about the first two, but I definitely have the third!) The anthropologists also pointed out that certain neurohormones regulate the formation of our skeletons. Testosterone, for example, correlates with a heavy brow ridge. It also correlates with aggressive behavior. So the changes in human skulls suggest a change in hormone levels, which suggest that people were becoming less aggressive and more cooperative and more… friendly. Like little Russian foxes!

Something about this theory makes me uncomfortable. It kind of reminds me of phrenology. But as you know by now, I’m no expert on anything really. So let’s just call the origin of friendship an interesting question. Let’s cleanse our minds with… philosophy.

I’ll tell you, the ancient Greeks were fascinated by friendship. Aristotle described friendship as ‘One soul dwelling in two bodies.’ (Per Diogenes Laërtius.) That’s a beautiful definition, but also weird when you think about it practically. Aristotle wrote extensively about friendship and, true to form, established a little taxonomy about kinds of friendship. According to Plato’s protégé, there is friendship of utility (doing things for each other), pleasure (enjoyment of shared activity), and virtue (making each other better people). Aristotle liked virtue friendships the best, which makes sense.

These days, we often hear about our struggle with friendship. The U.S. Surgeon General, Vivek Murthy, has made a priority of what he calls a ‘loneliness epidemic.’ There are a lot of depressing statistics on this subject. For example: A recent Harvard study found that 36 percent of Americans are experiencing ‘serious loneliness’ and isolation. As many as two thirds of young people report feeling lonely ‘frequently.’ (These studies point out it’s not just the pandemic.) Vivek Murthy has demonstrated that loneliness has now become a serious public health issue. Being lonely, and lacking human contact, is bad for your health—there are real physical consequences, including increased risk of heart disease, stroke, and dementia. Eesh.

Conversely, scores of studies show how great friendship and human intimacy are for you. Every ‘Blue Zone’ around the world, where people enjoy above-average lifespans and overall health, has a culture that emphasizes strong social connections. In study after study, we find that friendship makes us healthier, happier, and live longer.

I found one study on friendship that was kind of funny. They surveyed thirty-year-olds and asked them what traits they liked and disliked in friends. By category, the results are as follows: Like = Pleasant, Smart, Honest, Fun, Available, Ethical, Alike, Empathetic, Tolerant, Discreet. Dislike = Dishonest, Negative, Impatient, Competitive. I’m not sure how credible this study was, but hard to argue with the results.

There are so many possible explanations for why people are feeling lonely and wishing they had more or better friends. But we never want small talk to dip too far into gloom, so I’ll leave that be. Instead, maybe we reflect on ways each of us can be better friends. I count myself lucky to have some really great friends, many since I was a teenager. Here are some qualities I love in them, and aspire to show myself.

Good friends reach out to you, and don’t wait to hear from you first. They listen to what’s going on with you, and thoughtfully acknowledge what you’ve shared. Good friends remember! Have you had someone recall something you told them a while ago, and ask how it was going? That is such a wonderful feeling. Good friends plan things, especially regular events—book clubs, card games, bike rides, beers. Or at least they show up for someone else’s plan and make it a success. A group of my friends from college has gone backpacking every year for the past 18 years. I can’t express how much this has benefitted our lives. I’m hoping my kids will do something like that too. And finally, perhaps most importantly, good friends see the good in you and tell you so.

So I’m thinking that—although we don’t fully understand where friendship comes from, or how it works, or why we’re having a hard time with it—we might make things more friendly one small gesture at a time. Like today! Every one of us could do something today. And collectively, we can boost that energy that flows among us, as powerful as sunlight, as common as water. Well now I’m getting sentimental. Sorry, I guess it’s that time of year. Speaking of which…

Have a good one,

Kipling Knox

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